An Ongoing Balancing and Tightrope Act - Pre-Grieving Process - Anticipatory Grief
That's why many people might not be able to conceive of something like anticipatory grief - grief that is felt in advance of the actual loss. But whoever reads this article might remember, "Oh yes, I experienced something similar or comparable.”
Grief is about the loss of relationships, dreams, hopes, and expectations. People grieve for memories and past selves, but also for the loss of a possible future reality.
Grief for forthcoming, expected events describes feelings of sadness that set in before an impending loss. This could relate to various events, situations, and individuals - such as a failing relationship, or the inevitable death of a loved one due to old age or a long-term, debilitating illness.
Studies differ in opinion as to whether anticipatory grief is equivalent to "conventional" grief, the grief we feel after we lost someone or something, while other studies postulate that it comes with more intense feelings of anger and a lack of emotional control. But from my standpoint, I question, do the labels and wording really matter? Or is the key takeaway that grief processes often come with not only sadness but also anger and a loss of emotional control? Grief are like every emotion - it's individual and unpredictable.
Anticipatory Grief - When? Who? ...
- End-of-life care - Caring for someone with chronic disease
- Diagnosis or progression of a degenerative disease, such as Alzheimer’s disease, other forms of dementia or Parkinson’s disease
- Hereditary cancer risk
- Awaiting an organ transplant
- Amputation (I watched this a few time while I served in the Army)
- Impending loss of a pet
- A new job, a new relationship, a geographic move or a teen leaving home for college
- Anticipatory grief can also surface around pregnancy and childbirth, including - e.g. in-utero complications, while realizing and learn that their unborn baby may not survive can experience anticipatory grief around the potential loss, premature birth ...
- and for sure other situations of life I missed to list or can not remember ...
Pre-grieving or Anticipatory grief often begins as soon as the life of a loved one is threatened or when the loss or other profound, profound experience is expected.
When you know that a loved one is going to die, it's like death is slowly creeping in, robbing you of that person and often piece by piece - you're losing more and more little pieces of that person, and the dying person notices how he or she is losing themselves, their life, with 'life' often ceasing to exist - instead of losing 'life' all at once.
When dealing with anticipatory grief, you are not only mourning a loved one but all the moments this person will miss - the next Christmas with family and grandchildren, the child's wedding, an upcoming or expected birth...
Also, the knowledge that this person will no longer be there for you in times of crisis, can hurt, frustrate you emotionally, destabilize or soften the ground beneath you. Others may find this strange or selfish - but all these emotions and thoughts are okay and totally normal.
Emotions and feeling you might have while experiencing anticipatory grief and going through this pre-grieving process - these feeling might cover and include:
- Anger or irritability
- Anxiety
- Denial
- Desire to withdraw from social situations
- Desperation
- Dread
- Guilt
- Intense preoccupation with the dying person
- Lethargy or lack of motivation
- Loneliness
- Loss of control over one’s emotions
- Sadness
- Tearfulness
Look at it stoically... Look at the silver lining in the upcoming negative event.
This long goodbye can be used to your advantage. It gives you not only more time to get used to the idea of the event, the death of a loved one, but also to ensure that nothing is left unsaid.
This is exactly what many people suffer and grieve for when a loved one passes away, in one way or another. It's one of the main reasons why many people linger, get stuck in their grief. These people didn't get the chance to say goodbye, to express their thankfulness, to apologize, or to proclaim their love out loud. So, use the time you have left.
Even though it might sound surprising or frightening at first, try to feel some semblance of gratitude for having a little more time.
Potentially, take photos with the loved one – even during their last days or hours –, and spend as much time with them as you can.
Even if the loved one is not in the best mental state, or if they are sleeping.
Be with them - just being present, sitting by their side, holding their hand, giving them a hug... Or just gaze at them.
All this will be deeply missed when you can no longer do it - when you no longer have the opportunity.
One of my readers sent me a comment and asked me: "How did you handle your grief during those 11 years when you knew the prognosis but had no choice about holding out hope in both private and public life?" and I am thankful for the question.
And my answer is ... Love, Honesty, Awareness and finding Balance ...
Love - Love is the reason and the answer of grief. Love for my wife, the luck for having the love and her love.
Honesty - Honesty talking to oneself, to each other and to family and friends and as well doctors.
Awareness - Awareness for each other, self-awareness -
Being kind and finding a balance between honesty and compassion can lead to stronger relationships and a more fulfilling life. And this 'finding balance' is not a 'one-off' thing - it is an ongoing tightrope act and thing.
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