My experience of losing my wife.

My beloved wife fulfilled her final wish a few weeks ago, she purposely ended her own life on her own schedule, surrounded by her mother, her best girlfriend and by myself - she was sitting at our home in her favorite armchair - with her own humor and a lovely smile she opened the roller clamp of the infusion. And within a few seconds she drifted off to sleep. I watched the whole time - and she had a relaxed facial expression - not a single sign of pain or suffering.

She was in the mid of her fifties. She was diagnosed 11 year ago with a fatal and quick worsening type of Multiple Sclerosis. And I was her main care giver during these 11 years - available for her 24/7. And after all these years my wife and I realized in the last few months and weeks that for sure she was the one who counts most - but the pivotal element of all was her disease and the history of her disease.

My wife was tired and exhausted from fighting against her disease. She had no intention of allowing the disease to control how she lived anymore, or even more how she died.

Even though I am feeling so sorrowful, blue and sad - I had to let her go - she wanted to go - I am happy and she was happy that she was able to choose to die before she lost her ability to her last function. She completed her bucket list during the last weeks and we could enjoy the last days as well as possible.

Even as in our case - my wife’s decision was discussed, planned and scheduled as she wanted it - it is painful and beyond description.

Even I am sure that losing a family member or a friend is painful for anyone. 

Mixed emotions …

People often say that a man who is mourning the death of a wife finds the grieving process more difficult than a woman who becomes a widow. I can neither compare it nor judge it or think of it - because I am a man - And I really want believe that there are less differences between women and men than we often think - but even every human being is unique we are the result of our lifes  or to phrase it differently -  we carry the sum of our childhood, the experiences we made and so many more with us and within us. But I also often have the feeling that society gives men an additional burden to bear - or perhaps the feeling comes as well from my childhood, as said / mentioned before - that men receive the distinct and consistent message that no matter what happens in their lives, they need to be strong and act as the providers for their families and who surrounds them. Even if I disagree or want to disagree with this traditional view of the male role in life, the signals I feel and interpret from the time I were young still have a powerful effect.

• I am feeling so sad - sadder than ever before in my life

• I am angry with the doctors who were no help for or against wife’s disease

• Angry about the medical and scientific state of knowledge about MS and PPMS

• I feel guilty that I didn’t do enough for her

• I am feeling afraid

• I worry about lots of things, especially future

• Suddenly I feel very old

• I feel sick all the time

• I seem to be going through an identity crisis

• I feel relieved that her suffering is over

• … then immediately guilty for feeling that way

I firmly believe that there is no right or wrong way to mourn the passing of my wife who played such a major role in my life. Being perhaps ‘too much’ in touch with my so-called feminine side is absolutely OK for me - crying, talking, and seeking emotional support from others is for sure not the only way to grieve nor is it the only right way to do so - but I feel I need it - but is crying and talking about emotions a ‘feminine side’ - a huge part in me tells me it’s human..

And again and again I need some time to be alone. But a moment later I wish someone would be with me. I really think that especially accepting aid from others is a positive coping mechanism - but it is not easy accepting it or enjoying it. Family members. friends and colleagues try to help. offer their help, but neither I nor they are sure how to do it - there are so many mixed emotions. One moment I feel numb and the very next still shocked, brokenhearted, or anxious. I also feel guilty and ask myself could I help her more or differnetly or I feel guilty for being the one who is still alive or I feel guilty for feeling relieved that my wife is no longer suffering - that might sound stupid but the days since my wife passed away these are the emotions I have.

Another aspect during the recent days - It may sound strange or stupid but I am working hard to take care of myself by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep. 

I have a dream …

My dream is that every terminally ill person, people who are incurable or beyond recovery do have access to the choice to die on their own terms with dignity. I will take an active role to make this a reality. Everyone must have the freedom and right to live and die - making this choice as a well-thought-out and informed choice to die with dignity in the face of terrible, painful and incurable illness. 

Reasons, points and arguments in support of assisted death include respect for patient autonomy, equal treatment of terminally ill patients on and off life support, compassion, personal liberty, transparency and ethics of responsibility and self-responsibility.

I met, meet and will meet so many people who will judge, but so few people who will understand or are able or willing to see the different views on this hard and ultimate topic. It was, and such decisions are and they will always be a personal, unique decision of their own life - nothing can be more personal.

Final thoughts of today ...

I still say I love her, but now there's no reply. I feel and will always feel her presence. As if she never left my side - because I firmly believe that real love never fades. It still burns like the sun - warm and powerful in my heart.

Although she is  now far away - She is still with me - the memories we shared are with me - Those memories go on and on.

She is now free - free again - she can ride again on her horses who already passed the rainbow bridge.

My beloved wife, I will see you on the other side of the rainbow bridge when time comes.