Mourning and Memorial Ceremony - As you like it

Mourning is never easy: however, by knowing, accepting and recognizing that mourning has different phases, you can and should become aware of all the effects and consequences that the loss and lack of a loved one can create within us. 

During the 11 years of my wife's disease - she talked about her final step often, deeply and honest. And as designer I thought I can mitigate the pain and mourning. I have to admit it only worked in tiny tiny details. But thanks to my great family, connections and friendship circle I could take care on my self and prepare it. AND by all these open and honest talks my wife and I could prepare our families, connections and friends as well and vici versa.

Awareness is essential to be able to better pass phases and steps of mourning one after another.

One phase you can really prepare is the funeral and the ceremony. 

Plan and talk about your funeral while you are alive

I suggest and it is advisable to determine a document with instructions for your own funeral or if you want call it wish list or directive - to put your wishes down in writing what should happen after your own death in good time. It can be used to determine what your own grave should look like, whether you want an earth or cremation or who should organize the funeral service, the family or your long-term partner? Not all points need to be determined. Certain decisions can also be left to the bereaved. 

Before you lodge such a document with instructions with an undertaker or a notary, you should definitely speak to the people who matter most. At the crucial moment a certain person who you supposed to something might find themselves unable to meet the demands - which a noted down. For example, because they definitely don't want to give a speech themselves. I am convinced that such a conversation is always an enrichment for life or if the worst comes to the worst.

When a loved person dies, we often resort and fall back on procedures which we are familiar with, we know and what we can hold on to. But more and more people no longer feel comfortable with the common funeral rituals. They want to decide for themselves how to be laid to rest and define a funeral procedure more individual or call it personalized - so that it fits the life the deceased person lived.

More and more often, instead of a priest, relatives and friends or as in our case funeral speaker - other people might speak at the funeral and remember the dead. Instead of organ music, or Christian chorale, the deceased's favorite might be rock songs - The favorite songs of my wife wished you will find at the end of this page. The coffin does not have to be made of shiny oak, but may have been painted by the bereaved or even built themselves. At the end of the funeral, you do not have to go into a cafe or restaurant as most often. My wife or better her body ashes was buried within the root system of a tree in a forest and after my wife's funeral my sister-in-law organized a copious picnic. And every one could walk around - talk to other funeral guests - eat, drink, talk in a open, relaxed atmosphere - not ceremonial - not uptight.

You should not ask what is allowed or expected by others - ask what you want or what fits the dead person and what is really important to me as a bereaved. I advise taking your time. Even after a death, not everything has to be decided immediately.

My wife's songs - she wanted for her funeral: