Grieving, Work of Mourning - Feel and Allow Emotions

The feeling of grief and loss is part of life. We all know loved ones will leave us, but when the time comes, it usually pulls the rug out from under one's feet and one is loosing the ground under their feet, even as in my case I thought I could / might prepare myself - Forget it!

Death also shows us that our time on earth is transitory - nothing lasts forever. Deep down inside, we think we or the people we love are immortal / will live forever.

Christmas can be a time of heightened emotion, grief and anxiety for those who have been bereaved. That's why I am writing today this article and why I wrote this one a few days ago: 'Mourning in the Holiday Season'

Six months ago I lost my wife after taking care on her for 11 years. Years before I lost my grandparents, other family members, friends and comrades in arms. So I thought I would be 'trained' in dealing with the issues of death and dying. And as my wife and I talked a lot in her years of loosing year by year more abilities, and we talked so much about a day when she want to 'go' by opening a roller clamp of an infusion. - As said even I thought I am 'trained'  I was overwhelmed by my feelings. And as each relation is different the feelings are different and YOUR way of grieving is different. Death is merciless and cold-hearted. It is the unexpected kick in the teeth - Bang! ... and the person is gone. At least physically

Memories everywhere

Where ever I am / What ever I do there are all around me are points of memories. As many people I had to work from home in these days of Corona. But as my wife committed suicide at home / in her arm-chair - it made it even more complicated to work from home. Sometimes I was / I am sure / or better I think I can hear her voice in the background, then there are still a piece of clothing which  is still hanging on the hook. It is simply unreal that a person is suddenly no longer there. And life takes no notice of it. It just goes on and on.

The day begins, the sun rises, the weather is wonderful, people are laughing and playing football. The 'normal' life is going on - sometimes with me - sometimes I feel as I am just acting as bad replacement of my own. I am still at the beginning of the process, going and looking for my way of dealing with grief, which will surely catch up with me again and again in waves. Even if it was and is a terrible and decisive experience in my life, I can also see the good in all of it.

Feel and allow emotions

The family ties and bonds, the become aware and bethink oneself of the essentials, the trust and belief that things will go on, and the memories can take the 'horror of death' and make the thought of the present and future more bearable. 

When we try to suppress or even deny grief, we can not get rid of it. The capped or suppressed or repressed emotions can create dull, numbed or bad feeling and paralyze us inwardly.

Which in turn can lead to an emotional world and mental feelings  that we are no longer happy about good and positive experiences and can no longer appreciate or enjoy them. It is all the more important to allow and accept emerging feelings and give them space. Nothing hurts like a breakup or the loss of a loved one.

But if you put awareness and your mind to your feelings and memories and you deal with them and also focus on the beautiful moments, you can also see how lucky it was to have had this person in your life and be grateful for what they gave you, the moments you enjoyed, the challenges you mastered together and so many other things you could enjoy together - be thankful  what was and what you have in your heart.

Shift the focus by your thoughts when it comes to that very moments or do it in advance

These thoughts and mindset can shift your focus. Learn and accept that death and loss are not only associated with negative thoughts and feelings. The birth and death of a person lead us to recognize the essentials in life again. We see what really matters.

We can and you can use this moment of awareness and epiphany - and consciously turn to our loved ones again and overlook all the trivialities in everyday life. 

And we can tell them in time that we love them. Tell your loved ones always one more often that you love them and look for good moments.