Coping With Grief - How to Deal With Grief - Bystanders, Colleagues etc.

While writing my blog, I’m keen to emphasize that my thoughts are mainly based on my own experience - increased by talks I had with other grievers aren’t aimed at any one person, or a particular community, culture or tradition. Instead, it recognizes that our collective ‘society’ - a many-faceted, diverse, rich in variety time and environments - has strong opinions and a very loud voice which influences how we navigate - and talk about grief.

As a result, society and 'good' friends, colleagues impose expectations and judges people – especially when they’re grieving – by telling them what they ‘should do’, how long they ‘should’ grieve, and how they ‘must’ feel. If someone doesn’t cry at the funeral, or if someone does cry but for ‘too long’, society assumes there’s something wrong with them.

In the recent months I wrote a lot about grief, how to deal with grief and death - but this time I thought it is time to write how to deal with grieving people - for people who ask themselves what to say / to do when a family member, a friend or a colleague is grieving.

First and most important - Don’t try to ‘fix’ grief!

Telling people they should be grateful for the time they had with their loved one, or they should be ‘happy’ their deceased relative had a long and happy life, only works if that’s how the griever feels in that moment.
Saying things like “at least you’re still young”  “at least you can always try for another partner” – or “at least s/he had a good time” is often unrespectful and dismissive  and  this missing respect and appreciation might be the sign of helplessness but finally it is just missing empathy and often the griever in that moments might feel even more alone.

It is pretty much impossible to talk a grieving person out of their pain – and nor should we try. Pain is OK - pain is and must be part of the path. Despite what society might think, the thought of a greater meaning, certain step to be done, certain rituals to practice or suggesting there’s a ‘reason’ or ‘lesson to be learned’ can cause a grieving person to feel like they’re being punished. A person is less likely to open up, to make someone talk when they don’t feel understood, recognized, accepted, ... and the last thing we want is to push people away when they’re reaching out for help.

Suggestions of Does and Don'ts

Here are some things NOT to say to a grieving person:

• Time is a great healer
• You’ll get over it
• You should do more sports
• You need to take up a hobby
• I might go out to pursue some pastime.
• I know exactly how you are feeling
• I can tell you what will work and what you need
• You must be feeling…< enter assumption here >

or regarding what I wrote / phrase above under: ‘Saying things like’  - a statement that starts with  “at least…” will be most often misleading and will most often empathy.

Things NOT to do to a grieving person:

• Prevent and be beware of making assumptions about how they feel
• Don't hush the situation and don't keep the death (or other reason of grieving) under wraps 
• Don’t ignore them, or avoid the topic, or pretend it as it hasn’t happened
• And don’t go into fixing mode, at least without asking the grieving person what they need

Things society could say instead:

• My first advice - say nothing and listen 
• ... or endure silent period - give the griever and yourself time
• Ask about her / his feelings
• What do they need today - or in the coming days
• Would it help to talk about it?
• I’ll keep checking in on you – when’s good for you?

Sure it is often the case that none can really speak, phrase a sentence, put their thoughts in to words - but actually this is one of the worst situation, saying nothing at all, it might make the griever feels perhaps ignored and lost in their pain - in this case perhaps you say: "I am not sure how and what to say, but I want to let you know I'm here for you!"
And if you are feeling strongly that an idea, thought or proposal might help ... phase it perhaps that way  “Have you thought about … ”

Things society could do instead:

• Invite to a chat, perhaps while a walk at a lake, in a forest, or an invitation for breakfast, a picnic, lunch or dinner 
• I suggest always a face to face meeting - if face to face is not possible online meetings is as well ok
• If said / promised that you will check in on them - Keep your promises
• Send messages letting them know they’re being thought about, especially around anniversaries
• Offer practical support if it would be helpful like offering to do the grocery shopping, or cook a meal or walk the dog

These are just some of the things I would do and say - I would like to let people know who are getting in touch with griever - i want society to know, and I hope reassures anyone in mourning that there is no ‘right‘ way to grieve. It takes as long as it takes.

And in addition - a few tips for dealing with grief in the workplace

Even the hints above hold true at the workplace. Work itself can be therapeutic for someone grieving a significant loss - Work can give everyone and especially grievers security and stability. Maintaining daily routines helps grievers cope with their grief as they heal from their loss. Often, a grieving person is benched for essential work assignments because others fear that they can't handle any added stress. Before deciding on what an employee can and can't take as they cope with grief, ask them to see if they're up to the task or prefer a lighter workload for the next few weeks. Allow them to help decide so that they continue to feel like a valuable part of the team. Employers in particular need to recognize that anniversaries can be upsetting even years later. 

Companies can find their ways of better managing employee grief at work by being proactive in setting corporate policies that encourage the wellbeing of all employees dealing with loss. Changes take time to implement, as with everything centered around the workplace and corporate culture. In the interim, companies can take the necessary steps to make all employees feel valued, appreciated, and supported through tragedy and loss. 

Closing Thought

You’ll know yourself, even just hearing a special song on the radio, that reminds you of someone you cared about, can be like time travel in your mind that can bring feelings of fondness or pain (or both).

So grief is and will be constant companion and the way how it will be with you will only change by time.