Coping with grief and loss, suffering setbacks, and mastering difficult days
After my wife has died and my wife depended on my care during the past eleven years - a lot or almost everything fell away and almost everything is no longer the same as it used to be.
Grief for a loved one can affect anyone and is part of life. Like other crises, I have to go through several phases. It often starts with mixed emotions of shock and denial and blaming myself. Gradually, many different feelings break out, my thoughts keep revolving around the deceased - as in my case around my wife.
It was clear to me that I needed and still need a reorientation for myself and my life in order to find a balance. This is how the grief process can typically go – as I learned. The first few weeks were a roller coaster of emotions for me - a swaying and up-and-down between anger, despair, lack of perspective, consolation and pain.
Allowing to grief
From day one it was clear to me that I didn't want to numb my pain with pills or alcohol - because numbing doesn't help and, in the end, would only disrupt my process. I found help from voluntary and professional grief counselors, such as those offered by hospice care, -services and charities, but also by my employer and colleagues. In many places there are also self-help groups where other grievers can exchange emotions and thoughts – I found offers like cafés and hike-tours for grievers.
Accepting and suffering setbacks and failures
I did not only lost my partner, but also a friend and part of myself. To cope with the grief, the bereaved people must do a lot: they have to recognize the loss as a reality. You have to learn to endure the pain and adapt to a world where the deceased person is absent.
And finally, bereaved people have to detach themselves from the deceased and open new bonds. Setbacks are just as much a part of grief work as experiencing all kinds of emotions. Overcoming grief is like climbing a mountain. I started in the valley, had to go through deep gorges, and getting ahead and climbing the hill was exhausting, and it will take a while before I can see a new perspective in life for myself.
Take care of your body and soul
Everyone has to find their own way of dealing with grief and pain. It can be writing or sport - both helped me - but also dancing, graphic art, performing arts or other activities. In addition, every form of community is important during this time - for me, in addition to psychological support, it was family, friends, colleagues and like-minded people. The weekends in particular were and are very difficult for me and I can only recommend that the weekends and holidays should be filled. If you lack the strength for doing something, a plan can help to regulate the bare minimum and to cope with everyday life. You should only take small steps. Many bereaved people also forget to take care of their own body. A healthy diet, walks and relaxation exercises can be particularly beneficial in difficult times.
Dare to do something new - and master difficult days
Even if it doesn't feel like it at first - every ‘end’ also means a start for something new. I remember a quote from Goethe and Herman Hesse: "In all beginnings dwells a magic force - For guarding us and helping us to live." But to recognizing it and getting aware of it - this takes time and patience.
It is crucial to give yourself time to deal with this bitter, painful and sad day. Up from this day everything happens for the first time without the partner - the common breakfast as well as Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries. Dating friends and family, thinking about the deceased one - talking, laughing, and celebrating together can help find new rituals. With a good social environment, it is easier for me and everyone who grieve to find their way back to life.
Grief for a loved one can affect anyone and is part of life. Like other crises, I have to go through several phases. It often starts with mixed emotions of shock and denial and blaming myself. Gradually, many different feelings break out, my thoughts keep revolving around the deceased - as in my case around my wife.
It was clear to me that I needed and still need a reorientation for myself and my life in order to find a balance. This is how the grief process can typically go – as I learned. The first few weeks were a roller coaster of emotions for me - a swaying and up-and-down between anger, despair, lack of perspective, consolation and pain.
I think it's important ...
Allowing to grief
From day one it was clear to me that I didn't want to numb my pain with pills or alcohol - because numbing doesn't help and, in the end, would only disrupt my process. I found help from voluntary and professional grief counselors, such as those offered by hospice care, -services and charities, but also by my employer and colleagues. In many places there are also self-help groups where other grievers can exchange emotions and thoughts – I found offers like cafés and hike-tours for grievers.
Accepting and suffering setbacks and failures
I did not only lost my partner, but also a friend and part of myself. To cope with the grief, the bereaved people must do a lot: they have to recognize the loss as a reality. You have to learn to endure the pain and adapt to a world where the deceased person is absent.
And finally, bereaved people have to detach themselves from the deceased and open new bonds. Setbacks are just as much a part of grief work as experiencing all kinds of emotions. Overcoming grief is like climbing a mountain. I started in the valley, had to go through deep gorges, and getting ahead and climbing the hill was exhausting, and it will take a while before I can see a new perspective in life for myself.
Take care of your body and soul
Everyone has to find their own way of dealing with grief and pain. It can be writing or sport - both helped me - but also dancing, graphic art, performing arts or other activities. In addition, every form of community is important during this time - for me, in addition to psychological support, it was family, friends, colleagues and like-minded people. The weekends in particular were and are very difficult for me and I can only recommend that the weekends and holidays should be filled. If you lack the strength for doing something, a plan can help to regulate the bare minimum and to cope with everyday life. You should only take small steps. Many bereaved people also forget to take care of their own body. A healthy diet, walks and relaxation exercises can be particularly beneficial in difficult times.
Dare to do something new - and master difficult days
Even if it doesn't feel like it at first - every ‘end’ also means a start for something new. I remember a quote from Goethe and Herman Hesse: "In all beginnings dwells a magic force - For guarding us and helping us to live." But to recognizing it and getting aware of it - this takes time and patience.
It is crucial to give yourself time to deal with this bitter, painful and sad day. Up from this day everything happens for the first time without the partner - the common breakfast as well as Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries. Dating friends and family, thinking about the deceased one - talking, laughing, and celebrating together can help find new rituals. With a good social environment, it is easier for me and everyone who grieve to find their way back to life.
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