Mental Health - Widower Experience (WX)

I believe in death with dignity. It has different labels and definitions … assisted dying assisted suicide voluntary euthanasia … but ultimately it’s about dying with dignity and in peace. Death with dignity must be a human right: to retain autonomy until the very end and, before one’s body is overtaken by pain, if the quality of one’s life is or will became unbearable, to decide to end one‘s suffering; the dignity comes from exercising the choice. No matter how old, how young, how rich or poor, how sick or healthy - whoever is tired of life has the right commit suicide and to get help with suicide. The German Constitutional Court took a clear stand on assisted suicide in February 2020. For me, this topic is about autonomy, individuality, self-determination and own and unique perspective on life and what comes after, as well as when and how it should happen. The decision to commit suicide affects fundamental questions of human existence and like no other decision affects ...

In the first days after my wife passed away – my grief surrounded me like a fog. A spongy, thick, nebulous, and vague feeling – a kind of barrier between myself and the world – even common things like having breakfast, lunch or dinner did felt needed.  After 6 weeks spending under and with this ‘fog’ – there is a worry that it might become a part of everyday life – at the same time I think ... “ All I want to do is to feel better ” or “ I want to feel normal ”  … but just a second later I worried and still worry to lose the connection to my wife. But since a few days - while the fog fades -  I realize that I can see a little further in front of me.  Things are more colorful and they’re coming into clarity. The days start getting a little bit easier, the nights a little more restful. I discovered that I had comprehend that my pain has become the expression of my lost love - the way I honor my wife, the one consistent link between living with her and living without h...

Inspired by Amanda Gorman's Poem  "The Hill We Climb"  I wrote the following poem:  Since my wife passed away where can I find light - in this never-ending shade? As nothing feels anymore okay Every day is like a swamp - I must wade Since that awful, dreadful day. I cry my silent tears. It takes my breath away. The silence is deafening to my ears. Her present that filled our rooms at day and night. All this is gone, and all what's left is nothing but memories, And I miss her arms so much which hold me tight, all these memories lead me to silence and tears. But what made my day bright Was remembering Amanda Gorman's poem That there is always light If only we're brave enough to see it If only we're brave enough to be it Amanda Gorman's powerful poem at the inauguration of President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris:

Currently I am thinking a lot about ‘life’, ‘joy’, ‘love’, ... Life is a unique journey, choosing to live it to fullness lays in our own hands. Even these hands might feel as they were bound or fettered. Or when I remember that our house was overflowed by high flood waters it felt like bog down and be bemired. Or after our house fire nothing was like before and my hands didn’t feel as they were mine - partly physically burned but much more mentally burned and no feelings. Feeling bound or fettered from time to time is part of life - because there are times while we ask us, our life and our karma: “Why it's all too often so hard or feel so hard to live.” … and as I mentioned and you read before in addition to the ‘general’ challenges we all have to face in life I had to pass a flood and fire disaster within a few years … but none the less, I may answer because it should be like this. However, even I have these moments it might be or should be not that challenging - I firmly be...

You were the greatest and most worthy person I knew and you made my life. You lived your life so impulsively, restless, obsessed and filled with passion, humanity, and love. You had so much to give - the world does not suspect the loss - but I feel it each moment. I still feel and see your smile, every laugh, every light you had to give and share You were my greatest happiness on earth. I know - really know you are now doing better - I know you are riding on one of your horses who died before you, I know you are dancing around a fire.   Even I know it was your wish - even I know you are doing now much much better - Your loss blows up all dimensions, values, fantasies. The pain I feel is a desert full of brutal force. Until we meet again I will love you - you are always with me. You were a piece of heaven - and now you are in your heaven and in peace.

 I feel the morning dew And stones under my feet How can I get through Tho' I can still hear your heart beat We thought we would always be Without you I feel lost at sea Through the darkness you'd hide with me Like the wind we'd be wild and free Sleight of hand and twist of fate Through the storm of live - we stuck together I'll meet you in heaven behind the gate And see you again - together for ever I got to learn how to live without you Even I'm feeling as I'd be burned down to the ground Figure it out without you Before I'm going to tear this city down Now I've the feeling I'm running away my dear From myself and the truth I fear And I'm done sitting home without you Fuck, I'm going up without you

Dear beloved wife ... You were the light of my life and our love still shines bright. Every moment and memory we shared comfort me. Although you are no longer with me in life, I still feel your love. I honor our life together by focusing on the joy we shared. When you died, it does not mean that you lose to Multi Sclerosis . You beat your MS by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live. Your death left a gaping hole in my life that I fill with the love we shared.

Thoughts - thoughts about moving beyond grief - the grief I fell after losing my wife, my partner, my other half - my better half Currently I live without a thought for tomorrow - and I am only living from day to day  And I am far from finding ways to get my life back to normal - because I have no idea what is the 'normal' - - all what was 'normal' during the last 11 years is now away - left me - is not existing anymore More or less in the moment when my my spouse died, the world changed - my world changed - all fall into pieces. I am in mourning - feeling grief and sorrow at the loss. I feel both physical and emotional pain. Out of the blue I often cry easily and have a hard time ... making decisions sleeping well in the night reminding me to eat - having little interest in food concentration on things - All too often I take my  mind off things - I divert myself with doing 'stupid things' - e.g I am returning deposit bottles even this could wait  In addition to...