Talking about Death - Talking to Children about Suicide
Whether we like it or not one of the only sure inevitable things in life is that we are all going die and our beloved ones.
We don’t talk about death. We talk about sex, drugs and money. We teach our children about these subjects but we don’t talk about death and dying.
We need to talk to our young about death and dying and we need to talk among ourselves openly about grieving. Pets are a good start whether they because they passed away peacefully caused by age - but as well when assisted by a doctor. We need to discuss how we feel about their death and encourage our children to do the same.
And adults don't like to talk to children about dying and death if it gets to suicide.
Many believe that keeping suicide quiet protects children. But this is not the case.By the way - I did so and thought so as well a long time, but especially by my latest explorations of studies and courses and seminars I joined - I were disabused.
This is not the case - because children are very sensitive to when something bad has happened and rely on adults to inform them in a child-friendly way.
They will inevitably become victims of their fearful fantasies if this doesn't happen. These are calmed when the child knows the facts, which they then integrate into their self-image and world view. Now the children knows and feels taken seriously and valued by the adult because they share serious things with them. A three-year-old boy stood at the door with her mother when the police announced that his father had committed suicide by jumping off a high bridge. Her mother lets her listen to the news and then doesn't try to hide or sugar-coat anything. The dead father not only had a lot of space in their conversations, but over time became the girl's inner companion.
When children experience the suicide of a loved one, new questions about the deceased arise at every stage of development, which, as children grow up, can be accompanied by strong accusations, indignation and feelings of failure. Their efforts to come to terms with the facts of this kind of death require a great deal of steadfastness on the part of adults. The event is simply part of the family's history. Those who act in this way create good conditions so that the suicide does not become a shadow that weighs on everyone in the family.
Children are concrete thinkers. They will want to know why and how someone took their own life.
Tell the truth, be honest - for sure balanced to the age, relation and level of understanding.
Children think about death more than adults. When they hear about suicide, they fear it could happen in their family. One primary school pupil was on a bus when he noticed that a woman had jumped to her death from the top of a high-rise building. When he got home he told his mother: "Mum, you will never do that to me!" The mother had to promise the boy that she would never leave him. During the conversation, she also realized how important it is that death is not presented as a solution to unsolvable problems or unhappiness.
When a parent dies by suicide, children often fear for the life of the widowed father or mother. It is good for children if they are often told that a mother's grief for her father (or vice versa) is no reason to take her own life.
Confidence in life needs to be expressed again and again, as this strengthens children and adults.
It's undoubtedly difficult to have a conversation about death and suicide with children
There isn't going to be a "checklist" or a recipe, unlike what you might find elsewhere. All conversation techniques, answers, and responses to questions from kids or situations or the need to talk to children rely excessively on:
- the appropriate circumstance, the the respective situation
- personality of the child and child's age
- the nature of the conversation
- on the current mood or the inner stability of the conversation partner, adult and child
- the relationship of the the people talking to each other, conversational partners
- the circumstances surrounding death and illness
- and, last but not least, the consistency between adults' words and deeds - there I see one of the most important aspects as children are close and sensitive observers
Care, confirmation, comfort and closeness are necessary.- Empathy is key
Children should be prepared for death carefully but in good time, especially if a close family member is in danger of dying. The experience of exclusion can cause trauma in the child.
Asking a child if they are satisfied with the answer or if it is sufficient should always come at the end of a conversation. You should never feel as though "everything has finally been said"! ... The pain, hurt and sorrow of grief are so individual as the people we are and what or who we lost. And all these emotions come and go like ebbs and flows.
Grief Never Ends, and That's Okay.
Closing thoughts
How we respond personally to the death of someone close to us will of course depend hugely on what that person meant to us when they were alive. There are widely believed to be several stages to the grieving process but I personally believe they can come in any order and all stages can be experienced alongside each other. It is possible to feel several contrasting emotions at once. It is possible both to miss the person enormously and be furiously angry with them, too. There is no accepted time frame in order to come to terms with the death of someone - it takes as long as it takes. You do not “get over” the death of someone but you do, in time, learn to live with their loss. The fact that you miss the person is an indication of the part they had in your life when they were alive.
However you choose to walk the path of griefing, we as a society can help. We can remind ourselves that it is part of the process of being human and we can prepare our children by talking about loved ones or people they know who have died. We can be more open about our feelings and when we meet someone bereaved or dying we can approach them and ask how they are. They will let us know if they want to address their situation by continuing to talk to us or by changing the subject or by moving on. Death is not frightening, we just think it is because it has become so unfamiliar. It is just a part of life and we need to stop fearing the reality of death and instead start embracing it, discussing it and familiarizing ourselves with it so we can remove the scare factor for the sake of ourselves and the next generation.
In this context:
The Death of Parents - Feelings and Dealing with Grief
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